The first thing I did when I entered the room was shake myself off. A hard, vigorous shake; I hated the wet. Once my jacket was less sodden, and thick droplets of water had been whipped onto the doorway, I paced further inside. One of the steel chairs grated in protest as I tugged it out from under the table. I placed my tablet on the corner and looked at the man across from me.
He was average height, but I already knew this. I had everything about him available on my device. Inky, long, curly hair draped over his head. Like snakes. I hate snakes. These strands framed a round face. Some might call him handsome. He had blue eyes; stormy and bright, boring into my skull as he held my gaze, comparable to a predator looking at prey. They were set inside a stocky and muscly body, built to lift and strike. After looking him up and down for 10, 20 seconds, I spoke.
“Sophia Winters”
“That is me” The man replied, slowly.
“A woman’s name. Very interesting. I would assume that your parents thought you a girl at birth?”
“So it would seem. But please, call me Soper”. He seemed to draw out every word, each syllable becoming an eternity. It made my blood boil. How… inefficient.
“Soper it is then”. The warm smile I gave him as I said this did not convey what I was thinking. “My name is Raymond Cloke, and I’ll be asking you some questions today”
“Of course”. The slow, pronounced way he said this let me know that on the inside, this man was a being of unfathomable intelligence. Intelligence that could bring Nova to the ground. He had to be stopped. He had to be… slow down Raymond, I said to myself. Focus.
I brought up a page on my tablet: 23/4/2162, Sigma-III, incident file, Sophia Winters
“So, Soper” I questioned. “You know why you are here?”
“Yes”. He did not continue, so I answered for him.
“Two days ago, you were apprehended by Civil Security Department officers for attempting to break into the Archangel City town hall. Once in custody, you demanded to see a ‘Blackzone operative’, whatever that is”
“Well,” He cut me off “Mr Cloke. Raymond. Can I call you Raymond?” Asked the man. He smiled. I did not. “I would like to ask you a question now, If that’s alright”
“Certainly,” I replied, gritting my teeth. “Ask away”
“Okay then, Raymond. Why hasn’t the ship left?”
“I beg your pardon?” I replied hastily
With a single button press, a signal was sent from my device that cut off all of the monitoring devices in the room.
“Well why is it?” Soper persisted. “Is it… the aliens that destroyed Novark-I?”
I snapped. How did he know this.
“Well Mr Winters, I think our discussion is concluded”. I packed up my things quickly. A Sigma-III clearance card glided through the scanner and I blazed outside, blast door shutting behind me automatically.
Outside, I leant against the wall, breathing hard. My mind was running. He was a threat to… everything. I knew the easiest way to fix this. I had the clearance. I could tell the guards to take him out back and put a bag on his head and a gun to his temple and BANG. There would be praise. A promotion. A medal even. Applause for ‘protecting the future of not only Nova, but the human race’. A hero? Me? Pathetic. My entire life had been just that; pathetic. I’d climbed over others to get here, crushed them underfoot like a snail. A cowardly act. I’d thrown my friends, colleagues, even lovers under the bus to gain just a scrap of more power. But this. I felt something, so strong that I knew it to be right. An absolute sense of… righteousness. I had to have Sophia Winters killed. Regardless of the repercussions. repercussions that… I had a vision. The miners revolting. Nova burning as its true purpose became known to the colonizers. But I had to. As I brought up the reporter on my device, I remembered a poem that they had taught us in the academy however many years ago.
‘In man there live two volves. One is the volf of love, and the other is the volf of hate. You can feed either, with your actions. But whichever volf you feed will control your mind’
Glancing down, I re-read what I had been entering into the tablet:
Archangel City Civil Security Department
Clearance level: Sigma-III
Priority: 1
Task: Execute
Target: Winters, Sophia
Send: Y/N?
I. Had. To. Before I could allow myself to change my mind, I reached my hand towards the blinking screen.
‘Whichever volf you feed will control your mind’
I pressed Y.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Ethan,
Here is some feedback.
You are repeating certain words a lot. Read your work out loud to identify them. This is creating a monotonous effect in your writing and adding more variety will help you enhance your piece.
Be cautious of run-on sentences. There are times where you are using a comma when it should be a full-stop.
You have a long set-up before getting to the conflict and difficult decision your character has to make. Try to bring it forward so that the conflict becomes the central element of your story.
Good work.
Mr Johnson
Hi Ethan,
In addition to the previous feedback:
Remember the main theme of your story needs to be the character’s conflict with making the decision.
There are some moments where you are telling that you could change to develop the showing aspect.
Mr Johnson